


Pain

by beware_of_fangirling



Series: Destiel One-shots [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Denial of Feelings, Fallen Castiel, Human Castiel, I'm not joking with the angst bit, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Post-Season/Series 08 Finale, Rejection, Self-Harm, Sorry Not Sorry, Suicidal Castiel, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Triggers, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-02
Updated: 2014-11-02
Packaged: 2018-02-23 21:31:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2556464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beware_of_fangirling/pseuds/beware_of_fangirling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel is ready for the pain to end.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pain

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING FOR POTENTIAL TRIGGERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> Additional Note as of March 26, 2016: I just uploaded the continuation of this one-shot, "My Favorite Maybe". Grab your tissues and come join the party!

Castiel was in pain ever since the fall. He was tormented with guilt and the fact that he had none of his powers did not help. He just wanted it to all stop.

Cas was sitting in the bunker reading the newspaper. It between hunts so the entire team was at a low point. Castiel came across an article describing the death of a young girl, no older than 15. It said she died from 'bleeding out due to self-harm'. This term was unknown to Cas and, like whenever he was confused, he asked Dean.

"It means she was trying to harm herself. Cutting by the looks of it," the hunter explained.

"Cutting?" Castiel cocked his head and squinted his eyes like whenever he did not understand something.

"You know, cutting along her arm to make herself bleed," Dean explained.

"Why would she do that?"

"Well, sometimes the physical pain can distract from emotional pain. After a while, it's hard to stop."

Cas could understand wanting pain to go away.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Dean was worried about Castiel. He knew something was wrong, and he couldn't bear to see the sadness in his eyes. He knew he wasn't exactly helping, sometimes he would yell at Cas if he was drunk, but he never meant it. Castiel didn't know that though. Cas would never talk to Dean about any if it, not the fall, not being human, not anything, but Dean just knew. Profound bond, intuition, call it what you wish, but Dean knew something was hurting inside his angel.

They had just finished a hunt and, exhausted, tried to sleep. Sam was out in no time, but Dean and Cas just sat up for most of the night drinking. Eventually they were both drunk. Or Cas was anyway, Dean was still somewhat sober. In his drunken haze, Cas push up against Dean and pressed their mouths together. Dean's common sense told him to stop this before it got to far out of hand, but as usual, he didn't listen. He didn't even get a chance to kiss his former angel back before he heard Sam walking into the room. Startled, nervous, and extremely confused, Dean pushed away and rushed out of the motel. He was in the Impala and on the other side of town as soon as possible, leaving a drunk and heartbroken Castiel in his rearview mirror.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Castiel woke up the next morning hungover and alone. He saw a note from Sam on the table sayig he had went out to find Dean, who had just rushed off for some "unknown" reason last night. Sam hadn't seen what happened, but Cas could remember every moment. He knew why Dean had left.

 _"What have I done? Dean probably hates me now."_ He thought, wallowing in self-pity. Castiel was regretful and heartbroken. And you know what people do in situation like this. They make bad choices.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

After a long phone argument with Sam, Dean drove back to the motel. He had done a lot of thinking after he bolted, mainly about why he bolted.  _You were drunk_. Lies.  _It didn't mean anything._ Lies!  _Cas is just your friend._  LIES! Dean knew what he felt, why Cas was so important to him, why he hated spending even a day without him, why those deep blue eyes made him, THE Dean Winshester, ladies man of the year, go weak at the knees. He loved Castiel.  _He loved Castiel._

_HE FRICKING LOVED CASTIEL!!_

With this realization, Dean started his Baby's engine and sped back to the motel, runnig 3 red lights and earning an estimated $300 in fines. But he didn't care.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

 _Don't do it. Don't do it Castiel._ He did it.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Dean finally pulled up to the motel and rushed inside, not even taking the time to park straight. His efforts were pointless, however, because he ran in to an empty room. Turning away to call Cas' phone, Dean noticed that the bathroom door was shut and light was shining through the cracks. He pressed his forehead against the wood and breathed out his angels name.

"Dean?" Castiel's voice sounded from the other side. It sounded weak and heavy, like he had been sobbing.

"Open the door Cas. Please," Dean pleaded in a low voice.

"I c-can't Dean," choked the new human. Dean easily picked the crappy motel lock and pushed open the door. When he saw Castiel he almost forgot to breath and had to hold back the tears threataning to spill. There, on the cold tile floor, was his angel. Bloody arms by his side, bloody knife on the ground and a face as pale as a sheet of paper, drained of color from loss of blood and stained with tears still pouring down from those electric blue eyes. With is last remaining strength, Castiel whispered out 7 slow words before falling unconsious in Dean's arms which were now wrapped tightly around him.

_I just wanted the pain to end._

**Author's Note:**

> i phowy.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [My Favorite Maybe](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6368272) by [beware_of_fangirling](https://archiveofourown.org/users/beware_of_fangirling/pseuds/beware_of_fangirling)




End file.
